ROTARY CHRISTMAS GRAB BAG -- 12/21/06

The bell was rung -- on time -- and the pledge was led. Our EP had absolutely nothing to do with any of it. She was too busy "Elfing." Ad did the prayer. In EP's opening remarks it was noted that the Rotary Club staffing schedule was a bit light on members who signed up to help with the December 25 "Holiday" fundraiser at the Roger Sherman. If you can spend the 11:00 AM to 3:00 PM hours, or part of that time, at the Roger Sherman it will be a big help. Show up! And bring slaves (teenage kids). We're still questioning which holiday triggered the "holiday" fundraiser. Was it the birth of PC? No, not Perry Como.

Buffet lunch was hoovered. It included dead cow, dead fish, potatoes, rice, mixed vegetables, silage and wedding cake. Quite good. All plates were empty.

A gratuity, for the Roger Sherman staff, was handed to Giovanni. He promptly left the premises to visit his bookie. "Lucky Boy" in the fourth, at Hialeah, 16 to 1. Count on it.

NEW NEWS:

Art Duel has proposed Laura Rubinfeld for membership. Laura is the executive director of the New Canaan Board of Realtors. Didn't see either of them today.

There will be no meeting on December 28 because the Roger Sherman is closed in honor of Switzerland's Christmas. You can't even show up to buy lunch. So, those of you considering celebrating Christmas next Monday, at home, should, perhaps, wait until Thursday. Do it the Swiss way. (Try explaining that one to your young kids.)

Since today's was the last RCNC meeting of the year, this amanuensis (look in up, damnit) will be out-of-the picture until April. Many are grateful for this. Since Ted Bonner won't be needing his windsurfer for a while, I think I'll head for Key West.

GRAB BAG:

Members mostly took the EP's words to heart. Many of the wrapped presents were truly rude and tasteless. Some more than others. But, the wrappings were nice.

Remember the remote-control fart machine from last year? It came back. The speaker was stashed in the pile of presents. We heard from it throughout the meeting. Loudly.

Hobbs Jr. started out with a fabric potted flower which played music while the flower danced. He left it on the table. Nancy the pres, for the second year in a row, got condoms which she traded for the flower. (How does she get condoms two years running? Is someone trying to tell her something?) The condoms from last year found their way into her son's Christmas stocking. We're not sure if they worked. Report to come. Andy K. opened up a Playboy videotape on "sensual massages." He kept it. Hmmmm... Better than a tooth extraction. Ad opened a nice teddy bear. Bill Walbert is the proud new owner of an electronic machine one can use to terrify the neighbor's dog. The singing big-mouth bass reappeared. It will spend the next twelve months with Ed Denkin. Mike Franco was temporarily the owner of a poker kit -- cards, chips, etc. in a brief case. Joe Rucci opened a water-filtering canteen which he traded for the poker kit. Special-Ed Nordgaaaaard was, for a moment, the owner of a Connecticut Gay Mens Chorus teeshirt and hat. He stuck it to Rucci for the poker kit. Rucci will soon be singing. Falsetto. Bob Cruickshank opened up a box of truffles. Amy grabbed a bottle of wine. Dr. Frank Barberino now has an ugly, truly ugly, salt and pepper shaker set. Nice. Mike Bruneau opened up a Whitney Shop box containing a Santa Claus thong. Didn't know Whitney was into that. He pawned it off on Amy for the wine. Amy promised to wear the garment at each and every RCNC meeting in fiscal 2008. We'll check. Phil McClain opened up a mug that might remind him of when he was breast-fed. It was traded for the poker set. Rucci Jr. got a battleship game which he kept. Ted Bonner -- in a cast from a windsurfing-generated broken ankle -- drew a box of candy. Then things got interesting. Hobbs Sr. got "Humphrey the Humping Dog." Pull its ear, and it humps. And makes doggie noises. Really. Oh, boy! Nancy Belon drew a bottle of wine which she swapped for Humping Humphrey. Scott Clueless became the proud owner of a survival calendar. Or something. Spider (our Francophile, who promises he had nothing to do with the death of Claudine Longet) Sovich opened up the ugliest corkscrew that anyone has ever seen. It looked like something you would see if your neighbor never used the pooper scooper. That was traded for Ad's bear. Boris got a box of Beano which he palmed off for something. Skip got some wine stoppers which he traded for Bruneau's wine. Ken Campbell got a Christmas mug and traded it for the poker set. Calvin drew a pair of Santa's undies and opted for Humphrey. Cal is a dog lover. Hobbs Jr. opened a farting pen. (How come Hobbs Sr. and Jr. got all of the nifty gufts?) Not quite as extravagant as the fart machine, but it farts. It was traded to EP (where it remained), for the dancing flower. Andy LaSala drew a casino poker game. Ben Bilus got a bag of coffee from Ethiopia which ended up with Spider. John Engel opened every man's dream -- an inflatable wife -- which he traded for Hobbs Sr.'s wine. Wife for wine? Good deal. Marty opened a couple of CDs of Redneck Christmas carols. These he will play when guests tour the glass house. Dave Bryant ended up with a draft dodger. It keeps the wind out of your house, but not the fart machine. I think he traded it for wine. Steve Risbridger opened up an electric ice scraper which he traded for the poker set. Painless Kerchoff became the owner of a book "Official Guide to Christmas in the South -- If You Can't Fry It..." That ended up with Spider.

Every year, some members bring an extra gift. There are two reasons for this: 1) If a visiting Rotarian is there doing a make-up, we want that person feel like they're part of the meeting. 2) Some members have accumulated, every year, embarassing junk which they want to get rid of. We're voting for number two. We had about 15 extras this year. And it raised the total money for the Salvation Army to a record amount.

Then bidding on extra gifts began. Things got confusing so I won't promise accuracy. Spider got a book which he traded for the bear. Ben got another book which he traded for the bear. Steve got an electric dildo which he traded for the bear. Nancy B. bid on a bottle of wine which she traded for Humping Humphrey. She said she would give it to Der Fuhrer. Phil McClain bid on some wine. John Engel bid on a three-pack of US Military Pilot Relief Bags which he traded for Bryant's wine. Spider bid a lot of bucks for a Mark Foley red fedora, a skimpy g-string and a "Big Beef" sausage. The sausage was special. It all ended up with Painless. Red is John's color. Leo paid big bucks for a collectible Pez dispenser which he traded for Humping Humphrey. There was a lot of humping going on. Nancy B. spent big bucks for a gift card for a bikini wax. Say hello to Brazil. We can't wait! Hobbs Jr. bid on undisclosed Groucho glasses which were traded for the bear. Spider paid a bundle for a framed cartoon (cheap frame) which he traded to Scott for the bear. Phil McClain bid $100 for something which he traded for something else. I think. Thank God it was over!

The good news: EP Nancy didn't leave the premises with condoms. Instead, she had the coveted farting pen. A Christmas classic.

The GREAT news: All of this foolishness netted over $750 for the Salvation Army. Nice job, Rotators. And everybody had a good time. Bring more extra gifts next year. It's good for the laugh factor. And, in Parvenu Condo, we need more funnies. Because the traffic is becoming awful.

Respectfully submitted,

Weihnachtsmann